Teaching Youth to Manage Themselves: A Gift for School and Life
What if the greatest gift we could give our children isn’t academic success, but the ability to manage themselves? In our latest post, educator and counsellor Bec Lane reflects on the simplicity of growing up with freedom and argues that rescuing youth from the consequences of their mistakes stops them from building vital resilience . Discover why shifting our approach from controllers to coaches is the key to raising independent, confident adults who are equipped for the real world.
I don't know about you, but I grew up in a small country town many hours from the nearest big city. I had quite a lot of freedom to be out all day hanging with siblings and friends climbing trees, catching crayfish in the dam, building cubby houses, riding bikes and generally loving the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.
There was no social media, no internet and if you took photos on your camera it took a week to get them back to see if they were even in focus. I look back on these memories with a smile admiring their simplicity and rawness.
I have fond memories from school days and one thing I am grateful for is being taught that I am responsible for the choices I make. And (more importantly) I am responsible for the consequences of those choices, whether pleasurable or painful. This seems to be missing in our kids today. As parents we want to shelter our kids from the hard stuff. Stop them feeling the ‘pain’ from choices they make and only want them to feel the pleasurable moments.
But, learning is painful sometimes, and sometimes we get it wrong or make mistakes. As hard as this is to watch as a parent, saving our kids from this pain is stopping them from learning valuable life skills which help them navigate the world when they are older. Rescuing our kids can send the message that we do not believe they are strong enough to handle the consequences of their own choices. Our kids want to know that their parents or carers support them, love them and will be there when they fall to help them up if they cannot get up by themselves.
I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give young people is not simply academic knowledge, but the ability to manage themselves. Young people who learn to regulate their emotions, reflect on their behaviour and evaluate their own progress are far more likely to thrive both at school and beyond.
When you research the top 5 skills employers are looking for you will find the following:
The ability to communicate clearly, listen actively, collaborate with others.
The ability to problem solve, think critically and think for themselves.
The ability to manage time, regulate emotions, stay organised, and take ownership of performance.
The ability to work cooperatively, resolve conflict, show empathy and contribute positively to a team.
The ability to learn, adjust, recover from setbacks and remain effective when circumstances change.
Without developing these self-management skills, I believe living a fulfilling and successful life can be hard to reach.
As parents and educators, we all want young people to leave school feeling capable, confident and equipped to navigate the opportunities and challenges that life will inevitably bring. Yet this doesn't happen by chance. It develops when young people are given opportunities to understand themselves, reflect on their choices and learn from their experiences.
Traditionally, classroom management has focused on teachers controlling student behaviour. Research and practice increasingly suggests that lasting success comes when students learn to manage themselves rather than being managed by others.
True behaviour change occurs when students learn to understand themselves.
In self-managing classrooms, students are taught that they are responsible for their behaviour, effort and learning. The role of the teachers shift from being controllers to coaches. Rather than relying on rewards, punishments and constant reminders, they use questions, reflection and supportive relationships to help students think about their choices and the impact those choices have on themselves and others.
When students recognise that their behaviour is purposeful, that their choices have consequences, and that they have the capacity to influence the direction of their own lives, they begin to take ownership of their learning and behaviour. Rather than asking, "What do I have to do?" they begin asking, "What is the best choice I can make?"
This approach is grounded in the understanding that all behaviour is purposeful and internally motivated. Students are more likely to engage positively when they feel a sense of belonging, competence, freedom and purpose. When these needs are met in healthy ways, classrooms become calmer, more productive and more enjoyable places to learn. Homes become places with strong and healthy relationships full of fun and joy.
This requires high expectations combined with strong relationships, clear boundaries and opportunities for reflection. Young people are explicitly taught how to evaluate their choices, consider the impact of their actions on others, set goals, solve problems and learn from mistakes.
When students are given opportunities to reflect, self-evaluate and take responsibility for their decisions, remarkable things happen. Engagement increases. Relationships improve. Classroom disruptions decrease. Students develop confidence in their ability to influence outcomes rather than seeing themselves as victims of circumstance.
When students learn to self-manage, the benefits extend far beyond the classroom. They develop greater confidence, resilience and independence. These are the qualities that support success in further education, employment, relationships and life.
Imagine navigating your teenage years with a quiet sense of self-confidence and resilience rather than a harsh inner critic constantly highlighting your faults and shortcomings?
Imagine believing that mistakes are opportunities to learn from, that they are simply a mis – take, an opportunity to have another go rather than evidence that you are not good enough?
I know which path I would choose for the young people in my life.
Written by Bec Lane
Educator | Counsellor | Trainer
Contact me at contactspiraleffect@gmail.com